We’re able to lump July and August together for the simple truth that neither month has much good to offer. If you’re getting married in either of these months, it’s because you’re a lazy, procrastinating cow, and all the good dates in June and September were taken. I see Chinese paper fans in your future!
Way to go…it’s a hundred degrees out and humid, but look at that sunshine! Your guests will really appreciate that while prying their sweat-soaked asses off the church pew. You’d also better start training your husband-to-be to stare directly into the sun without squinting, unless you plan on allowing sunglasses to ruin all of your wedding photos.
But now the good news…at least you won’t have to compete with other brides for the best vendors! Not that you can afford them anyway. A bride with money and taste would have hired someone ages ago to haggle that June date.
Don’t worry though, your honeymoon will make up for it. Not like it’s hurricane season or anything.
And if you’re still set on saying your I Do’s in an un-air-conditioned church where guests will be more concerned with their growing pit stains than your bustle, the very least you can do is avoid these top five summer-wedding missteps:
- July is hot as a motherfucker. Do not have your wedding outside.
- No holiday weekends.
- No tourist destinations or recreational areas.
- No nautical/beach themes.
- No fucking flip-flops. I don’t care if they have sequins.
The only thing I love more than my fiancée is fucking AMERICA!!
(aka 4th of July weddings)
You’re absolutely right: your friends and relatives have nothing better planned for the long weekend than to spend it sitting in horrendous traffic, traveling to an overpriced 2-night-minimum hotel, and sitting in the sweltering sun while you and your soon-to-be hubby feed each other red, white and blue trifle as you celebrate your “I Do’s”!
But trust us, a 4th of July wedding is a terrible idea. And just in case we can’t convince you with words, here are a few images that we hope will do the trick.
Hey crazy. Yeah, you in the flag dress. Not sure this is what the Founding Fathers had in mind…
Evidence that the first couple aren’t the only ones who value America over elegance.
Interesting cake topper. Bald eagles. Sweet Jesus.
Don’t spill any pasta salad on your patriotism!
If these favors look familiar to you, exit the blog now.
I love you, baby.
Every bride asks herself this question at some point. It should be clear now that the answer is DJ.
Q. Against my wishes, my mother bought a white dress to wear to my summer wedding. She is doing a lot to help with planning and I don’t want to be ungrateful, but I wish she wouldn’t wear white. Isn’t that sort of tacky– wearing white to a wedding? I don’t know what to say to her, and she’s good at talking over me. Plus, I know this is a big day for her, too. What should I do?
A. Well clearly there are some major control issues here. Namely, that you’re losing it. Remind dear old mum that your very existence means she shouldn’t wear white. Let me guess… Mommy Dearest has been down the aisle more than once herself…am I right? Were you ever your mother’s bridesmaid? I’m thinking she has a few bejeweled, cream-colored suits in her disorganized closet.
Remind her that black is much more slimming, as are diet and exercise. Just keep in mind that if she is footing the bill, that we need her to continue to foot the bill so be diplomatic. And when deciding which ex-step-father should walk you down the aisle, remember your photos!
Hey Stiffler’s Mom, off-white is still fucking white. Choose something else
Can we all agree that after the wedding meal, we are going to serve cake? And by “cake,” I do not mean a cake stand stacked with cupcakes or motherfucking cookies. Like real, actual cake that you paid someone else to make. I love cookies as much as the next guy, but really? Cookies?
And while we’re on the topic of dessert, let’s just touch on groom’s cakes. If anything at your wedding is shaped like a fish or contains a sports logo (BECAUSE HE JUST LOOOVES THE FUCKING SOX DUDE), please navigate quickly away from this page, as this is no place for you. Groom’s cakes are an early sign that you haven’t had the upper hand in quite a while…
Kill yourself.
Fucking sweet.
This one reminds me of…..
THIS
Q. What is the best way to line up my bridesmaids? Is it best to do it by height or by the degree of closeness I feel for each bridesmaid?
A. Good question! I can see why you would want to do it by height so that things look symmetric in the pictures. If symmetry is important to you, by all means, organize those bitches from tallest to smallest. Organizing by closeness seems a bit harsh, as the girl furthest away will know that she sucks and her grimace will not improve your pictures (although making it a competition isn’t a bad idea at all, where maids compete for spots based on loyalty and BMI).
But the best way is to think of yourself as the sun, the bright star in the center of the sky around which everything else revolves. This is a great analogy because it not only reminds you of your role, but it is practical too. Next to you comes the fat bridesmaid(s), in order of obesity: Jupiter, Saturn and Uranus (also known as the gas giants, these are by far the most massive planets). They will make you appear smaller and more slight.
Next comes anyone who is medium-sized. And like our solar system, the tiny and inhospitable Pluto comes last, farthest away from the sun. Pluto is represented by your pretty friend who may have a lot of boyfriends but who will never get married because she is a slut. Putting you and she as bookends to the large and medium maids will draw comparisons in people’s minds between you and she as being equally little!
Skinny ankles means great wedding pics!
Q. I have a bridesmaid who has arthritis in her knees and if she stands for long periods of time, her joints bother her. She has asked if it would be okay to have a stool brought out for her during the ceremony. When I asked her to be in my wedding, I had no idea this would become an issue. But I am feeling very stressed over other details and feel as though this will look silly. I assume I should just go ahead and let her sit?
A. Well first of all, your first instinct is that this is not a good idea. Good for you! But you’ve got to listen to your heart and stop second-guessing yourself. This bridesmaid is being difficult. “Arthritis”? That seems vague and possibly made up. Does she not understand that you have real issues to worry about, seating charts to finalize, and mothers-in-law to pacify, without spending your time wondering about the joint health of your maids?
And how old are you that you have this maniac for a bridesmaid? If you are over 40, best not to have bridesmaids at all. And NO this does not mean you should have your teenage children stand next to you either.
But if you are a regular-age bride, remember: if Heather Mills can ballroom dance, this “friend” can swallow a few Tylenol and stand still for 30 minutes.
Let her approach you first though. Since you have ignored her requests up to this point, she may get the hint. If not, smile and agree to the allowance of a stool; then secretly saw 7/8 of an inch into each leg so that once weight is applied, the attention-whore will be on her ass. This should happen during the rehearsal though and not at the actual wedding. Best not to be teaching people a lesson on your big day… you will have other things on your mind!!
Speaking of Spring
You bitches might be thinking, hey BWMB, seems like there isn’t anything you DO like. Not true. For example, we like brides who don’t lie and say their white gold rings are platinum, and we like perfection. There.
In our guest post on Peppermint Bliss , we talked a lot about pastels and the do’s and don’ts of spring weddings. Well here’s a new one: lose the pepto-bismol- pink and the god-help-me-peach and try an all white wedding. And don’t worry ladies, no need to show your V-card in order to have an all white affair.
CAKES and FLOWERS
DRESSES: PRONOVIAS
Hey Do-it-yourselfers! We know that in this economy brides are looking for ways to save money. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your style just because you don’t have 50k+ to spend on your big day… right? Wrong. Style= ornate displays of wealth and beauty. If porta-potties don’t scream romance to you, then you might want to rethink this DIY wedding trend.
The main problem with these kinds of weddings is that brides are not being honest with themselves.
Bride #1: “We just want everyone to have a good time.”
In Other Words: We hope our guests aren’t miserable due to our complete lack of financial planning. We hope that family and friends don’t mind listening to an iPod, eating out of a trough, and staring at a centerpiece made out of sand and seashells hoping that the wind doesn’t pick up in your aunt’s recently landscaped backyard.
BWMB Advice: It is always better to be a bride who is one year older (to a point, of course. if you are nearing 35, please disregard) with a larger bank account (SAVE!!) than to have a nice quick engagement followed by a half-ass wedding. If your guests must “have a good time” despite all of your planning, instead of because of it, there is a major problem. Consider a City Hall wedding with just your parents. This will keep the shame to a minimum. P.S. This doesn’t mean have a BBQ in your backyard three months later. Receptions that do not immediately follow the nuptials insult guests who weren’t invited to the “ceremony” and merely emphasize your inability to pull off a real wedding. Your best bet is to tell people you used all the money to go on a fantastic honeymoon instead!
Bride #2: “We really wanted to be involved in every aspect of the wedding planning, which is why I’m… (doing my own flowers, designing my own dress, making my own cake, etc.).”
In Other Words: We think we could do a better job than wedding professionals with years of experience making bride’s girlhood dreams come true. My dress will be described by more diplomatic guests as “simple yet elegant” and “ethereal” but by honest or catty friends as “sack-like and shapeless,” “drab,” and “amateurish.” My cake will be made from an age-old family recipe that I had to multiply by 20, thus ruining what it originally tasted like, and embarrassing the shit out of my grandmother who told everyone beforehand it was her recipe. And my flowers will “come from my mom’s garden!”… In other words, shitty and messy with colors that don’t match anything else from the wedding.
BWMB Advice: You are not a dressmaker, a baker or a florist. Your job on the day of the wedding is to show up and try your best (I know this will be hard for you) to look like a lady. LAYDEE. This means no Birkenstocks and no baby’s breath in your French braid etc. If you can’t afford to hire vendors, then you shouldn’t be getting married.
Bride #3: “My day will be more meaningful if we actually make everything ourselves 
” In Other Words: My fiancé and I are heading for divorce before we even make it down the aisle. We (and by “we,” I mean “I”) are trying very hard to impart some kind of significance and meaning to this day. I would love to hire wedding vendors, but every time I bring it up, my boyfriend and I get into a huge fight about how much everything costs, so to appease him without canceling the wedding, I have offered to do everything myself.
BMWB Advice: Listen, we know how stressful wedding planning can be. This is the most important and memorable day of your life and we commend and understand the sacrifice that you are willing to make! You are one dedicated bride who has been dealt a cruel hand. You are willing to sacrifice the style you so desperately crave to make sure that you have ANY wedding at all! This is a tough one because it really gets to the heart of what we’re trying to do here in helping brides. It really speaks to the question, is a shitty wedding better than no wedding at all? The answer is a resounding YES.
Although it is of course not ideal, better for people to think that you are broke or tacky (or both) than for them to think you couldn’t find a man. Clearly being single is the worst case scenario, regardless of what kind of girl you are. If you’re fat and single, everyone will assume you are a pathetic virgin, and if you’re skinny and single, you’re a slut. Better to be cheap. But I digress. Go ahead with your DIY adventure, keep details simple, and make sure your arms are toned. Everyone’s going to be talking a lot of shit after the event is over… don’t let it be able your jiggle!
Dear BWMB,
I feel shallow even thinking this, but I need to vent. My engagement ring isn’t a diamond; it’s not even a cubic zirconia! I hate feeling like it’s not good enough, and I’m trying to pretend it’s exactly what I’ve always wanted, but I’m embarrassed. Like every other girl, I’ve always dreamed of a diamond! What should I do?
Dear Rightfully Embarrassed,
How did you let this happen? And what do you mean it’s not even a CZ? Well, you’re obviously pregnant. Let me guess, the two of you have been living at your mom’s house for the past 6 months, which is just about as long as you’ve known one another…you’re right to be embarrassed. At least you can recognize that the ring is shitty. Step 2: realizing that your fiancée is shitty, too.
Don’t listen to anyone who says that they like it because it’s different, because that’s the exact same reason why everyone else hates it.
Now, you may think it’s sweet that he’s doing the admirable thing and making it legit, but let’s get real. You’d rather have a bastard child than sport that friggin’ birthstone engagement ring. Our recommendation: every time you show the ring to a friend, refer to it as a “promise ring.” Regardless of how lame that is, a non-diamond engagement ring is even worse. Soon enough, he’ll get the idea and upgrade. It doesn’t have to happen tomorrow; he’s obviously not quick enough to realize the urgency. That’s okay, the longer you wait, the better the ring (fingers crossed). Start a special savings account. Encourage him to save a set amount each paycheck for the upgrade or for a “real vacation” for after the baby’s born. With his part-time liquor store job, he should have enough for the ring by the kid’s 5th birthday.
Peri-don’t
