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The only thing I love more than my fiancée is fucking AMERICA!!
(aka 4th of July weddings)
You’re absolutely right: your friends and relatives have nothing better planned for the long weekend than to spend it sitting in horrendous traffic, traveling to an overpriced 2-night-minimum hotel, and sitting in the sweltering sun while you and your soon-to-be hubby feed each other red, white and blue trifle as you celebrate your “I Do’s”!
But trust us, a 4th of July wedding is a terrible idea. And just in case we can’t convince you with words, here are a few images that we hope will do the trick.
Hey crazy. Yeah, you in the flag dress. Not sure this is what the Founding Fathers had in mind…
Evidence that the first couple aren’t the only ones who value America over elegance.
Interesting cake topper. Bald eagles. Sweet Jesus.
Don’t spill any pasta salad on your patriotism!
If these favors look familiar to you, exit the blog now.
I love you, baby.
Every bride asks herself this question at some point. It should be clear now that the answer is DJ.
Ever wonder how your fellow readers stumble upon blogs like this? Well wonder no more! Below is a list of some actual keyword searches that led you crazy motherfuckers to our awesome page. Any of these look familiar, creeps?
- midsummer night’s dream wedding theme: Bailey, my love, you’re definitely not alone…
- wedding dress big boobs: Boobs bigger than a C-cup should be reduced or married by a justice of the peace.
- cinderella cake stand: pretty sure this one won’t be a return visitor.
- wedding white stetson bride: dear reader, if you ever revisit this page, please please please submit pictures of your wedding.
- kevin costner wedding gown: thank you sweet jesus for sending this our way. Clearly looking for this:
But found this instead: our trash-heap, Stevie Nicks, “Leather and Lace” bride:
Two words. You’re welcome.
- “wedding dress” slut: not sure this reader found what he was looking for. You’d be surprised how including words like “slut,” “bride,” and “ass” in your blog posts really brings in the quality readers.
- can i ask my butch friend to be a brides: Stupid question. NO
- fat bride with gun: embarrassingly enough, we’ve got exactly what this one was after…
- pictures of christmas wedding dresses: Your wedding is going to fucking suck.
- what do pregnant women wear to renaissance wedding: jesus christ almighty.
- witch stealing kid: uhm, what? I mean, we’re pageview whores, but seriously?
- pictures of wedding gowns for fat person:
- wedding dress for fat females: as opposed to wedding dresses for underweight gay men.
- wenches and ladies naked asses photos: it’s like Ludacris always says, “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.”
- And last but most definitely not least….skin tight ass
Q. I’m a bridesmaid in my brother’s wedding but I have always been a bit of a tomboy. Would it be okay for me to change into a nice suit for the reception as long as I wear the bridesmaid dress for the ceremony, so that I’m comfortable?
A. A “nice” suit? The fact that you’re using the word “nice” when referring to this suit tells me that chances are we’re not talking about an Armani. However, even if it was a nice suit, the answer would be the same: NO.
And since we’re talking about things that are nice, let’s talk about your family and how they are going to feel in front of the bride’s family when their big, outlandish, butch daughter hops into a navy blue pantsuit and chunky flats, from the bridesmaid dress that was so thoughtfully selected. This is not your BIG REVEAL. Standing out is entirely inappropriate. Today is dress up day; today is fit-in day, and we’re pretending to be straight.
This means:
- no spiky blonde tips
- no more than one earring per ear
- shaving (and crossing) our legs
- no drinking things out of a bottle
You are obviously overweight, which may explain your aversion to showing the legs and arms… this is understandable. However, this insecurity should be dealt with head on, not covered up with shiny synthetics.
Cynthia Nixon and her 16-year-old brother/girlfriend in a "nice" suit
1) You might not be a huge fat-ass now, but something about your style tells us that you were not too long ago (could also be all that awkward extra material). But good for you for using your engagement as a weight-loss incentive! As we all know, the only thing worse than a terrible wedding dress is a fat person in a terrible wedding dress.
Extra points for the innovative pose: the front of the dress must be a real site if this was your best angle.
2) To all of your politically correct guests who may have mistaken your wedding theme as “wintery”… Having Saint Nick pull your Cinderella cake really lets them know, I HEART FUCKING CHRISTMAS AND I DONT CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
3) We’re fairly certain this is not what baby Jesus had in mind. Nothing says romance and matrimony like a children’s Christmas pageant! Did your church agree to a reduced rate by allowing your wedding to occur during their Christmas Eve service? Wedding party exit stage left, enter Mary & Joseph with live donkey.
4) We can’t tell if this bitch is about to suck our blood or fist pump her way around the VFW while singing along to Men at Work. But either way, red feathers will be flying within hours of this photo when 25 unhappily single women fight over that god-awful bouquet.
5) Nice vase, asshole. Holiday or no holiday, this is the world’s shittiest centerpiece. Trust us, your guests would not have noticed if you skipped the randomly scattered pinecones.
6) Please tell us these were used as Thank-you cards.
