Archive for the ‘Themed Weddings’ Category
Nothing says romance like a frizzy hair and goosebumps.
There is a reason reception sites give huge discounts for March weddings: March is the fucking worst. March makes November seem like a good time. Terrible. Wait a month and at the very least, you can put your maids in yellow.
In March, at least half of your guests will be suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder after spending the last five months getting rained or snowed on. Maybe you could crush up some Vitamin D tablets in their roasted red bliss potatoes so that your dance floor won’t be completely empty.
But all of that negativity aside, there is one (and only one) way to save a March wedding: spend an inordinate and obscene amount of money on a spectacular photographer whom you cannot afford, and invest in a big, black umbrella. No joke, bitches, this is your only chance.
Wow
Nothing screams financial success more than yacht clubs and extended vacations on the Vineyard. This theme allows you to be carefree and fun without sweating your ass off in some god-awful tropical climate and awkwardly barefooting-it through 4 inches of sand in a white ball gown. This theme really just says, “hey, we know the rest of our poor-ass guests couldn’t afford to follow us to Turks & Caicos, so we’re recreating the destination wedding vision here!”
We understand the draw, we really do. Everyone loves the beach! Sand at your feet, wind in your hair… but let’s face it, you don’t really want your fiancé’s friends seeing you in a two piece, do you?
Let’s get down to the details. Every nautical- or beach-themed wedding seems to require the following: must take place near the water, must have seashells on the invitations, must incorporate the color blue, and must encrust everything edible in brown sugar that looks like sand on the beach. Two tiny Adirondack chairs atop your lattice and lighthouse encrusted cake are also essential. So the questions is: really?
Keep in mind that seashells were once the home of an animal. An animal that may or may not be dead. In fact, it may have died just so that it’s home could adorn your tabletop as a centerpiece. Flowers are always a better choice. Think hydrangea. Think irises. Not orchids. Orchids are for the tropical wedding theme, which is not the same thing.
And that’s the real trouble with this particular theme; beach-brides often try very hard to incorporate too many nautical details, which creates confusion: Is this a lighthouse theme? No, I thought it was a conch-shell wedding? Oh hold on, isn’t that a starfish over there? This lack of focus makes a bride look sloppy and disorganized. Something tells me your wedding binder looks a little something like your train of thought: a convoluted, nonlinear, effing mess. Get your act together!
Also, do not give your bridesmaids jewelry with silver starfish. I don’t care if they have them at Tiffany’s. Have you ever seen them wear anything like that before? I didn’t think so!
Bottom line: No seashells on weddings cakes, ever. Flip flops are not wedding favors. They are not “fun.” Sand dollars and starfish are dead animals that someone collected after a storm; don’t put them on the table.
Please don’t kill me ☹
This theme let’s your guests know that you are a romantic to the core; you love the whimsical, the capricious and fanciful, you want your wedding to be an event unlike any other. Unfortunately for you, this will be an event like many others…and those events are called PROMS.
This theme announces to your family and closest friends (likely all gay co-workers and members of your theatre group), that you have never read Shakespeare (Cliff Notes do not count): 1) because you don’t have the intelligence level to process all the characters, and 2) because you were too busy dreaming up lame-ass wedding ideas since you were 10. The MND (Midsummer Night’s Dream) theme also lets those newly gained friends of yours (your husband’s friends wives and girlfriends) in on your past; you were obviously at one point tipping the scales; faeries are tiny, sexy waifs with wings, and only the formerly fat attach themselves to such unattainable and cartoonish visions of femininity.
We can just see your theme unfolding… enchanted forest, moonlight, fairy dust. Wake up! Do not create an environment in which your bridesmaids or slutty distant cousins will be making any progress towards finding love. This is your day GODDAMNIT!
Also, how confident are you? Are you sure you want scantily clad, hired actors roaming about your reception dressed in nothing more than tights and wings, all powdered up and shimmering? Hiring the right accessories can add flair and excitement, while simultaneously crowding the room to give the appearance of a larger guest list and unlimited funds. But did you stop to think that these “accessories” will be better looking than you? They’ll obviously be in better shape; you’ve had your fat ass plastered to the internet looking up themed weddings for the past 6 months rather than hitting the gym where you should have been.
Oh and p.s. that Tinkerbell decal on your fucking Jetta is lame.
SWF
Nothing says “soulmate” like a middle-aged bar-fly showing off her back in skin-tight, ivory pants. Hey lady, maybe you could hike those babies up a little higher? I can’t quite envision your entire naked ass.
I’m sure your bridal party (and by bridal party, I mean your teenage children from a previous marriage) won’t appreciate this ensemble.
Machine Gun Bride
Tiara and necklace from David’s Bridal sale rack, check.
Gigantic breasts, check and check.
Brick wall at your high school, check.
AK 47 with a long-range sight, check.
Quick cigarette and then let’s do this.
Egomaniac Bride
More so than the marriage itself, this cake says commitment. Once the cake was ordered, there was no going back. See a better pair of earrings at the mall? Forget about it. Because then you won’t match your fucking cake! Clearly that’s how the bride ended up with that ridiculous side bang thing.
Perhaps this bride could have allocated funds better and instead of a creepy, anatomically correct cake that would feed 3,000 wedding guests, she could have opted for a reception hall with windows.
Let this be a lesson to all mothers—let your kid have the Barbie cake when she turns 7—if not, fast forward 20 years and this is what you get.
Desert Stetson Bride
Is it just me, or does this bitch make you want to smoke a cigarette?
She also somehow makes me want to simultaneously line-dance, rope a steer, and gallop through the desert on my trusty steed toward Kevin Costner.
Udderly Stunning
Their parents must be so proud! Amazingly enough, two separate, very well-endowed brides-to-be found this dress and thought, “that’s the one for my big day!” It’s so flattering and highlights all of my (two) best features!
Don’t kid yourselves ladies (and we use the term “ladies” very loosely). You are basically naked from the waist up. Sexy is one thing, but for boobs, there is a point of diminishing returns. Large breasts have no business in church and make a bride look fat. Anything greater than a C cup can, and should, be corrected with surgery. Also, interestingly, both brides are wearing elbow-length gloves. Apparently, covering your forearms is appropriate for this formal affair, but showing your entire stretch-mark covered udders is not. Glad they could keep the baby cow off their tit long enough to attend the wedding. (But extra points for complete nonchalance while being naked in front of your own parents!)
Pride of the In-Laws
I would ask what kind of underwear you wear with a “dress” like this, but I think it’s pretty obvious this bride doesn’t own any. And thank you for saving your 23-year-old cousin the embarrassment of having to navigate up your dress to find the garter. This is much better.
It’s probably safe to say that if your veil is longer than your actual bridal “attire” you need not wear white: you’re not fooling anyone.
We were also going to recommend a little concealer on that thigh bruise, but then it donned on us that it’s more likely a hickey, and girls like you enjoy showing those kinds of things off. And are those pigtail braids? Those will come in handy later on in the evening, particularly given the fact that this dress transitions so well from the reception to the after party.
In a previous post we also warned against carrying a single red rose, however, please disregard that instruction. In this case, so long as she isn’t carrying a sexually transmitted disease, it doesn’t really matter.
Wedding planning can be tough. But medieval-themed weddings are a completely different beast (and yes, we do mean beast). Other than the obvious people-watching opportunities that these weddings inherently provide, little good can come from a medieval-themed wedding. Therefore, lets go through a list of details associated with Renaissance nuptials and if you, as a bride, recognize any of these ideas as things that you have considered implementing in your own special day, then you can go ahead and burn your three-ring binder (if you even have one) because you won’t be needing it anymore.
The fashion: the most offensive aspect of the Renaissance wedding. I will bet the cost of a one-of-a-kind Vera Wang that if you are planning a medieval wedding that your body mass index is not under 35 or so. Am I right? Let’s just say that the maroon, empire-waist dress with long, tight sleeves and puffy shoulders is not going to make you look like Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love (think Shallow Hal….).
You can go to a Renaissance fair with your boobs hanging out and dress like a tavern wench any old time, but there is only one day in a woman’s life where she can be the beautiful, virginal center-of-attention, and on this day one must wear white. Despite the obvious counter-intuitiveness of encouraging large-breasted, medieval-type brides to don white, it is still better to keep up with this tradition than to draw attention to the fact that you’ve rented (or even worse, sewn) a costume for your own wedding. Weddings are not costume parties. I’m sure the thought behind the silly get-ups is that it will make the wedding “fun” and “whimsical,” especially since you’ve had to rely solely on your self-deprecating sense of humor and personality to get you by all these years, but trust me, your event will be memorable for all the wrong reasons.
In addition, straight men don’t wear tights, even at the request of their future wives. So if your fiancé agrees to this arrangement, you had better rethink your choice of mate or you (and your offspring) will be paying for it in ten years.
The food and drink: Think of your guests before you put giant, greasy turkey legs in front of them. No one wants to eat “family style” at a wedding, unless by “family style” you mean “a nice champagne toast followed by a perfectly cooked filet mignon and some roasted red potatoes.” Guests will have dressed up for the occasion and will not appreciate the absence of silverware. Also, as a bride-of-size (BoS), the last thing you want family and friends seeing is you gnawing on the bone of a dead animal and yelling at your new husband to find you a napkin. Remember, these moments will be photodocumented.
Also, don’t call beer “ale” and for Christ’s sake, don’t call it “meade.” It’s embarrassing. Everyone gets it. You like Renaissance fairs.
The entertainment: A lute player is not an appropriate substitute for a band or a DJ. People will not dance to a lute. Also, did court jesters really wear those ridiculous outfits, or do those costumes just fit nicely into your cartoonish/American vision of what castle life might have been like in medieval Europe? Yeah, we didn’t think so. Better do your research.
While you’re at it, maybe you’ll find some other interesting aspects of medieval life that you can incorporate into your big day that will lend your affair an air of authenticity and historical accuracy i.e.: The Black Death, women dying during childbirth, the Spanish Inquisition, burning witches at the stake, and a rigid class system that resulted in lifelong poverty and sky-rocketing mortality rates for almost the entire population. Nothing says “I do” like death and suffering 
