Don’ts
Don’t use the least common denominator approach: choosing the cheapest dress that your poorest friend can afford, or the sleeved monstrosity that your most self-conscious maid will feel comfortable in is a bad precedent to set. Be democratic and pick the gown that almost everyone will be happy in. (And if all of your maids are poor and/or fat, go ahead and pick the one that you wish they would look good in.)
Don’t let your bridesmaids choose their own gowns. If they ever get married, they’ll be in a position to start making decisions. Uniformity is best. You clearly know what looks good, that why you are the one getting married.
Uniformity is always best when it comes to bridesmaid dresses. At a glance, you should not be able to tell one from the other.
Don’t choose a color and then let the maids choose the style. This practice promotes individuality. And this is neither the time nor the place for the maids to be “expressing themselves.”
Don’t let pale bridesmaids get away with ruining your wedding photos or embarrassing you with their napkin-white legs in the cute, raspberry, tea-length frocks you so carefully selected. Remind maids that their appearance reflects on you and repeatedly praise the beautiful skin tone of tanner maids.
Dos
Do keep in mind that completely alienating all bridesmaids and having them leave your wedding party will make it look to your guests like you have no friends. This means retaining your power with a smile and letting maids think you care what they think (i.e. sending them two gorgeous dresses, either of which you’d be happy to choose, and soliciting opinions.) Also, having fewer bridesmaids because of such disputes will make the wedding party uneven. Uneven wedding parties are wholly unacceptable and will make you look like a frigid, friendless bitch. Avoid this.
Do encourage larger maids to hit the gym. As a kind gesture, offer to go with her to whip her fat ass into shape before your big day. Act as if you too would like to “tone up”… a euphemism for, “I’m already skinny, which is why I’m engaged, but I’ll come with you if it’ll make you more inclined to go.”
Do encourage maids to order their dresses one full size smaller than they actually are as motivation to get into wedding-ready shape. Remind forgetful or lazy maids that the dresses are not returnable and non-alterable in case someone starts to think that they look good the way they are. Girdles and Spanks are acceptable, even for maids who did what they were supposed to.
Do encourage maids with less-than-stellar smiles to seek professional whitening solutions. Do this gently by saying that you are going to have your own teeth bleached. If they do not take the hint, start telling her that she looks gorgeous when she smiles with her mouth closed. Enough compliments about her toothless grin will condition your Pavlovian maid into using her closed-mouth smile exclusively and thus, saving your photos from certain disaster.
Such good advice, always. Just checked in with one of my bridesmaids the other day who couldn’t chat cause she was on her way to the gym. I mean how considerate is that? AND she was already thin. She better not try to outshine me though with her toned bod or I am going to have to start shipping her treats.
Otherwise, I’ve really picked a stellar squad.
Wow. I mean wow. That’s so horribly selfish I can’t imagine it. You’re friends, are your friends. It’s horrible to ask them to change. And on the frankly practical aspect, asking them to buy a dress a size smaller is both humiliating and doomed for fairly expensive failure.
Dear Amy,
Are you effing kidding me?
Sincerely,
BWMB