For the Do’s and Dont’s of Spring weddings, check out our guest blog post at Peppermint Bliss!
Thank Buddha, It’s Spring: Brides Who Means Business
Go see Bailey!
Nothing says romance like a frizzy hair and goosebumps.
There is a reason reception sites give huge discounts for March weddings: March is the fucking worst. March makes November seem like a good time. Terrible. Wait a month and at the very least, you can put your maids in yellow.
In March, at least half of your guests will be suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder after spending the last five months getting rained or snowed on. Maybe you could crush up some Vitamin D tablets in their roasted red bliss potatoes so that your dance floor won’t be completely empty.
But all of that negativity aside, there is one (and only one) way to save a March wedding: spend an inordinate and obscene amount of money on a spectacular photographer whom you cannot afford, and invest in a big, black umbrella. No joke, bitches, this is your only chance.
Q. My boyfriend and I are getting engaged soon, and have started shopping for rings. Last night his mother offered her diamond ring to us. She and I get along great, but I kind of had something a bit different in mind. How can I turn down her offer without ruining our relationship or upsetting my boyfriend?
A. Remember that saying, “it’s the thought that counts?” well this future mother-in-law of yours has one thought, and that is to control your life, (and probably to continue to control her son’ life, which she undoubtedly does at present). By the way, does he still live at home? Either way, it sounds like you two are having Sunday dinner over there every week for the rest of your life. Mmmm… pass the potatoes and the awkward tension.
In dissecting your query I find that there’re a couple of things going on here. Number one, her intrusion: unless this sucker is 2 carats or bigger, then there’s no need for her to be interfering. Also, if this is something they have been discussing for decades, then why didn’t Dreamboy bring it up to you sooner… and, oh, I don’t know, possibly allow the two of you to come to a decision privately before involving the den master.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s lovely that she offered the ring. Maybe it has some familial importance? Passed down like a treasure through the generations of hardworking and loving women on his family tree.
But seriously, heirloom rings never look like this “antique setting.” If they did, people wouldn’t be giving them away.
Old people’s rings are today’s side stones and should be treated as such. Good luck!
Wow
Nothing screams financial success more than yacht clubs and extended vacations on the Vineyard. This theme allows you to be carefree and fun without sweating your ass off in some god-awful tropical climate and awkwardly barefooting-it through 4 inches of sand in a white ball gown. This theme really just says, “hey, we know the rest of our poor-ass guests couldn’t afford to follow us to Turks & Caicos, so we’re recreating the destination wedding vision here!”
We understand the draw, we really do. Everyone loves the beach! Sand at your feet, wind in your hair… but let’s face it, you don’t really want your fiancé’s friends seeing you in a two piece, do you?
Let’s get down to the details. Every nautical- or beach-themed wedding seems to require the following: must take place near the water, must have seashells on the invitations, must incorporate the color blue, and must encrust everything edible in brown sugar that looks like sand on the beach. Two tiny Adirondack chairs atop your lattice and lighthouse encrusted cake are also essential. So the questions is: really?
Keep in mind that seashells were once the home of an animal. An animal that may or may not be dead. In fact, it may have died just so that it’s home could adorn your tabletop as a centerpiece. Flowers are always a better choice. Think hydrangea. Think irises. Not orchids. Orchids are for the tropical wedding theme, which is not the same thing.
And that’s the real trouble with this particular theme; beach-brides often try very hard to incorporate too many nautical details, which creates confusion: Is this a lighthouse theme? No, I thought it was a conch-shell wedding? Oh hold on, isn’t that a starfish over there? This lack of focus makes a bride look sloppy and disorganized. Something tells me your wedding binder looks a little something like your train of thought: a convoluted, nonlinear, effing mess. Get your act together!
Also, do not give your bridesmaids jewelry with silver starfish. I don’t care if they have them at Tiffany’s. Have you ever seen them wear anything like that before? I didn’t think so!
Bottom line: No seashells on weddings cakes, ever. Flip flops are not wedding favors. They are not “fun.” Sand dollars and starfish are dead animals that someone collected after a storm; don’t put them on the table.
Please don’t kill me ☹
Ever wonder how your fellow readers stumble upon blogs like this? Well wonder no more! Below is a list of some actual keyword searches that led you crazy motherfuckers to our awesome page. Any of these look familiar, creeps?
- midsummer night’s dream wedding theme: Bailey, my love, you’re definitely not alone…
- wedding dress big boobs: Boobs bigger than a C-cup should be reduced or married by a justice of the peace.
- cinderella cake stand: pretty sure this one won’t be a return visitor.
- wedding white stetson bride: dear reader, if you ever revisit this page, please please please submit pictures of your wedding.
- kevin costner wedding gown: thank you sweet jesus for sending this our way. Clearly looking for this:
But found this instead: our trash-heap, Stevie Nicks, “Leather and Lace” bride:
Two words. You’re welcome.
- “wedding dress” slut: not sure this reader found what he was looking for. You’d be surprised how including words like “slut,” “bride,” and “ass” in your blog posts really brings in the quality readers.
- can i ask my butch friend to be a brides: Stupid question. NO
- fat bride with gun: embarrassingly enough, we’ve got exactly what this one was after…
- pictures of christmas wedding dresses: Your wedding is going to fucking suck.
- what do pregnant women wear to renaissance wedding: jesus christ almighty.
- witch stealing kid: uhm, what? I mean, we’re pageview whores, but seriously?
- pictures of wedding gowns for fat person:
- wedding dress for fat females: as opposed to wedding dresses for underweight gay men.
- wenches and ladies naked asses photos: it’s like Ludacris always says, “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.”
- And last but most definitely not least….skin tight ass
Effing Terrible
Holding your wedding day on the most romantic day of the year sounds like a wonderful idea. Afterall, love is in the air, right? WRONG.
The absolute height of selfish tackiness is to get married on Valentine’s Day and then have every detail be…wait for it…lemme guess… PINK AND RED!!
Listen, we are not trying to encourage you to worry too much about the needs and feelings of your friends and family. We aren’t trying to argue that you should leave holidays alone so that people can celebrate these special occasions in their own personal ways.
However, getting married on a day that is supposed to be romantic for everyone, and not just you and your man, isn’t a good idea for a lot of reasons. 1) Pink and red look like shit together. Don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise. 2) Cupid is a fat creep with his arrow. He has absolutely no business being naked, specifically not at your wedding. 3) Everyone feels amorous and sexy on this day. Don’t let the love spread around the room and cloud everyone’s understanding about what your wedding day is about. And 4) a lot of people have “valentines.” Even middle-aged and old people have significant others and stories of good times they’ve shared on this day. Eff that! Getting married on this day will kick their selfish memories into high gear. They’ll pack the dance floor and want to feed each other cake. Is that really what you want? No, I didn’t think so.
Some Tasteful Valentine’s Wedding Cakes
I like this one because it’s so understated and elegant.
I hate you. Also, does that say “the veil”???
I love it when I think something is a stack of shiny Valentine’s presents and it turns out to be a fucking cake. That’s my favorite.
Don’ts
Don’t use the least common denominator approach: choosing the cheapest dress that your poorest friend can afford, or the sleeved monstrosity that your most self-conscious maid will feel comfortable in is a bad precedent to set. Be democratic and pick the gown that almost everyone will be happy in. (And if all of your maids are poor and/or fat, go ahead and pick the one that you wish they would look good in.)
Don’t let your bridesmaids choose their own gowns. If they ever get married, they’ll be in a position to start making decisions. Uniformity is best. You clearly know what looks good, that why you are the one getting married.
Uniformity is always best when it comes to bridesmaid dresses. At a glance, you should not be able to tell one from the other.
Don’t choose a color and then let the maids choose the style. This practice promotes individuality. And this is neither the time nor the place for the maids to be “expressing themselves.”
Don’t let pale bridesmaids get away with ruining your wedding photos or embarrassing you with their napkin-white legs in the cute, raspberry, tea-length frocks you so carefully selected. Remind maids that their appearance reflects on you and repeatedly praise the beautiful skin tone of tanner maids.
Dos
Do keep in mind that completely alienating all bridesmaids and having them leave your wedding party will make it look to your guests like you have no friends. This means retaining your power with a smile and letting maids think you care what they think (i.e. sending them two gorgeous dresses, either of which you’d be happy to choose, and soliciting opinions.) Also, having fewer bridesmaids because of such disputes will make the wedding party uneven. Uneven wedding parties are wholly unacceptable and will make you look like a frigid, friendless bitch. Avoid this.
Do encourage larger maids to hit the gym. As a kind gesture, offer to go with her to whip her fat ass into shape before your big day. Act as if you too would like to “tone up”… a euphemism for, “I’m already skinny, which is why I’m engaged, but I’ll come with you if it’ll make you more inclined to go.”
Do encourage maids to order their dresses one full size smaller than they actually are as motivation to get into wedding-ready shape. Remind forgetful or lazy maids that the dresses are not returnable and non-alterable in case someone starts to think that they look good the way they are. Girdles and Spanks are acceptable, even for maids who did what they were supposed to.
Do encourage maids with less-than-stellar smiles to seek professional whitening solutions. Do this gently by saying that you are going to have your own teeth bleached. If they do not take the hint, start telling her that she looks gorgeous when she smiles with her mouth closed. Enough compliments about her toothless grin will condition your Pavlovian maid into using her closed-mouth smile exclusively and thus, saving your photos from certain disaster.
Q. I’m a bridesmaid in my brother’s wedding but I have always been a bit of a tomboy. Would it be okay for me to change into a nice suit for the reception as long as I wear the bridesmaid dress for the ceremony, so that I’m comfortable?
A. A “nice” suit? The fact that you’re using the word “nice” when referring to this suit tells me that chances are we’re not talking about an Armani. However, even if it was a nice suit, the answer would be the same: NO.
And since we’re talking about things that are nice, let’s talk about your family and how they are going to feel in front of the bride’s family when their big, outlandish, butch daughter hops into a navy blue pantsuit and chunky flats, from the bridesmaid dress that was so thoughtfully selected. This is not your BIG REVEAL. Standing out is entirely inappropriate. Today is dress up day; today is fit-in day, and we’re pretending to be straight.
This means:
- no spiky blonde tips
- no more than one earring per ear
- shaving (and crossing) our legs
- no drinking things out of a bottle
You are obviously overweight, which may explain your aversion to showing the legs and arms… this is understandable. However, this insecurity should be dealt with head on, not covered up with shiny synthetics.
Cynthia Nixon and her 16-year-old brother/girlfriend in a "nice" suit
Q. My fiancé and I have had a long engagement during which one of my bridesmaids became pregnant. Believe it or not, her due date is my wedding date! Even if she doesn’t have the baby that day, she’s probably not going to feel up to it. Should I ask her to step down?
A: Wow, I’m not certain what’s worse: this selfish cow trying to steal your thunder, or your complete incompetence at maintaining control over your bridal party. Forget about her feeling up to it…do you feel up to sharing the spotlight on your big day with this stretch-marked beast?
It is painfully obvious that you neglected to make their duties clear to your bridesmaids. Getting pregnant while a bridesmaid is completely unacceptable and offensive. Having your other maids wear empire waist dresses just to accommodate this egomaniac would really be unfair to the other girls. Do you really want to be worrying about this hag’s water breaking as you say your “I Do’s”? And what if she has the baby a week or two early? Are you supposed to stand there with uneven bridal parties? You do realize that this make it look like you didn’t have enough friends to include in your big day. Pathetic.
Plus, everyone will be ooohing and aaaahing over her little bundle of joy. The only joy that should be being had on this day is YOURS!
Your maids are supposed to be people who support you as your closest friends. A sisterhood. This girl is clearly not who you thought she was. Wish her the best in all her future endeavors and replace her with the skinniest girl from the alternate list.
This theme let’s your guests know that you are a romantic to the core; you love the whimsical, the capricious and fanciful, you want your wedding to be an event unlike any other. Unfortunately for you, this will be an event like many others…and those events are called PROMS.
This theme announces to your family and closest friends (likely all gay co-workers and members of your theatre group), that you have never read Shakespeare (Cliff Notes do not count): 1) because you don’t have the intelligence level to process all the characters, and 2) because you were too busy dreaming up lame-ass wedding ideas since you were 10. The MND (Midsummer Night’s Dream) theme also lets those newly gained friends of yours (your husband’s friends wives and girlfriends) in on your past; you were obviously at one point tipping the scales; faeries are tiny, sexy waifs with wings, and only the formerly fat attach themselves to such unattainable and cartoonish visions of femininity.
We can just see your theme unfolding… enchanted forest, moonlight, fairy dust. Wake up! Do not create an environment in which your bridesmaids or slutty distant cousins will be making any progress towards finding love. This is your day GODDAMNIT!
Also, how confident are you? Are you sure you want scantily clad, hired actors roaming about your reception dressed in nothing more than tights and wings, all powdered up and shimmering? Hiring the right accessories can add flair and excitement, while simultaneously crowding the room to give the appearance of a larger guest list and unlimited funds. But did you stop to think that these “accessories” will be better looking than you? They’ll obviously be in better shape; you’ve had your fat ass plastered to the internet looking up themed weddings for the past 6 months rather than hitting the gym where you should have been.
Oh and p.s. that Tinkerbell decal on your fucking Jetta is lame.
