Posts Tagged ‘bride’
Dear BWMB,
I feel shallow even thinking this, but I need to vent. My engagement ring isn’t a diamond; it’s not even a cubic zirconia! I hate feeling like it’s not good enough, and I’m trying to pretend it’s exactly what I’ve always wanted, but I’m embarrassed. Like every other girl, I’ve always dreamed of a diamond! What should I do?
Dear Rightfully Embarrassed,
How did you let this happen? And what do you mean it’s not even a CZ? Well, you’re obviously pregnant. Let me guess, the two of you have been living at your mom’s house for the past 6 months, which is just about as long as you’ve known one another…you’re right to be embarrassed. At least you can recognize that the ring is shitty. Step 2: realizing that your fiancée is shitty, too.
Don’t listen to anyone who says that they like it because it’s different, because that’s the exact same reason why everyone else hates it.
Now, you may think it’s sweet that he’s doing the admirable thing and making it legit, but let’s get real. You’d rather have a bastard child than sport that friggin’ birthstone engagement ring. Our recommendation: every time you show the ring to a friend, refer to it as a “promise ring.” Regardless of how lame that is, a non-diamond engagement ring is even worse. Soon enough, he’ll get the idea and upgrade. It doesn’t have to happen tomorrow; he’s obviously not quick enough to realize the urgency. That’s okay, the longer you wait, the better the ring (fingers crossed). Start a special savings account. Encourage him to save a set amount each paycheck for the upgrade or for a “real vacation” for after the baby’s born. With his part-time liquor store job, he should have enough for the ring by the kid’s 5th birthday.
Peri-don’t
Nothing says romance like a frizzy hair and goosebumps.
There is a reason reception sites give huge discounts for March weddings: March is the fucking worst. March makes November seem like a good time. Terrible. Wait a month and at the very least, you can put your maids in yellow.
In March, at least half of your guests will be suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder after spending the last five months getting rained or snowed on. Maybe you could crush up some Vitamin D tablets in their roasted red bliss potatoes so that your dance floor won’t be completely empty.
But all of that negativity aside, there is one (and only one) way to save a March wedding: spend an inordinate and obscene amount of money on a spectacular photographer whom you cannot afford, and invest in a big, black umbrella. No joke, bitches, this is your only chance.
Don’ts
Don’t use the least common denominator approach: choosing the cheapest dress that your poorest friend can afford, or the sleeved monstrosity that your most self-conscious maid will feel comfortable in is a bad precedent to set. Be democratic and pick the gown that almost everyone will be happy in. (And if all of your maids are poor and/or fat, go ahead and pick the one that you wish they would look good in.)
Don’t let your bridesmaids choose their own gowns. If they ever get married, they’ll be in a position to start making decisions. Uniformity is best. You clearly know what looks good, that why you are the one getting married.
Uniformity is always best when it comes to bridesmaid dresses. At a glance, you should not be able to tell one from the other.
Don’t choose a color and then let the maids choose the style. This practice promotes individuality. And this is neither the time nor the place for the maids to be “expressing themselves.”
Don’t let pale bridesmaids get away with ruining your wedding photos or embarrassing you with their napkin-white legs in the cute, raspberry, tea-length frocks you so carefully selected. Remind maids that their appearance reflects on you and repeatedly praise the beautiful skin tone of tanner maids.
Dos
Do keep in mind that completely alienating all bridesmaids and having them leave your wedding party will make it look to your guests like you have no friends. This means retaining your power with a smile and letting maids think you care what they think (i.e. sending them two gorgeous dresses, either of which you’d be happy to choose, and soliciting opinions.) Also, having fewer bridesmaids because of such disputes will make the wedding party uneven. Uneven wedding parties are wholly unacceptable and will make you look like a frigid, friendless bitch. Avoid this.
Do encourage larger maids to hit the gym. As a kind gesture, offer to go with her to whip her fat ass into shape before your big day. Act as if you too would like to “tone up”… a euphemism for, “I’m already skinny, which is why I’m engaged, but I’ll come with you if it’ll make you more inclined to go.”
Do encourage maids to order their dresses one full size smaller than they actually are as motivation to get into wedding-ready shape. Remind forgetful or lazy maids that the dresses are not returnable and non-alterable in case someone starts to think that they look good the way they are. Girdles and Spanks are acceptable, even for maids who did what they were supposed to.
Do encourage maids with less-than-stellar smiles to seek professional whitening solutions. Do this gently by saying that you are going to have your own teeth bleached. If they do not take the hint, start telling her that she looks gorgeous when she smiles with her mouth closed. Enough compliments about her toothless grin will condition your Pavlovian maid into using her closed-mouth smile exclusively and thus, saving your photos from certain disaster.
Q. My fiancé and I have had a long engagement during which one of my bridesmaids became pregnant. Believe it or not, her due date is my wedding date! Even if she doesn’t have the baby that day, she’s probably not going to feel up to it. Should I ask her to step down?
A: Wow, I’m not certain what’s worse: this selfish cow trying to steal your thunder, or your complete incompetence at maintaining control over your bridal party. Forget about her feeling up to it…do you feel up to sharing the spotlight on your big day with this stretch-marked beast?
It is painfully obvious that you neglected to make their duties clear to your bridesmaids. Getting pregnant while a bridesmaid is completely unacceptable and offensive. Having your other maids wear empire waist dresses just to accommodate this egomaniac would really be unfair to the other girls. Do you really want to be worrying about this hag’s water breaking as you say your “I Do’s”? And what if she has the baby a week or two early? Are you supposed to stand there with uneven bridal parties? You do realize that this make it look like you didn’t have enough friends to include in your big day. Pathetic.
Plus, everyone will be ooohing and aaaahing over her little bundle of joy. The only joy that should be being had on this day is YOURS!
Your maids are supposed to be people who support you as your closest friends. A sisterhood. This girl is clearly not who you thought she was. Wish her the best in all her future endeavors and replace her with the skinniest girl from the alternate list.
Your Wedding Month Decoded
January Bride: committing your friends and family to one more month of gift-giving!
Face it, January weddings couldn’t come at a worse time. Regardless of how thrilled you think your friends and family are about your nuptials, no one wants to be celebrating anything in January, least of all you and your in-public, tongue-kissing future husband.
We’re assuming your January wedding has given you the unique opportunity to sicken everyone around you with details of your nuptials for the few months preceding the actual event. Thanksgiving and Christmas aren’t safe from you! There are clearly no limits to your need to interject, with nauseating detail, the topic of your wedding into every conversation. “Hey, Aunt Gladice, could you please pass the potatoes? Oh, that reminds me baby, did we decide on the rosemary roasted red bliss or the mushroom demi-glaze mashers for the starch at our wedding?”
Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s… by the time folks get to your wedding, they’ll be burnt out and broke (so forget those envelopes full of cash and think shit you didn’t register for from Bed, Bath, and Beyond). You’ve got enough to worry about (i.e. your appearance), do you really need to toss in those few extra holiday pounds and tired puffy eyes? We thought not.
It’s probably best for you to hold out until February and have that equally tacky pink-and-red Valentine’s Day wedding you were thinking about.
SWF
Nothing says “soulmate” like a middle-aged bar-fly showing off her back in skin-tight, ivory pants. Hey lady, maybe you could hike those babies up a little higher? I can’t quite envision your entire naked ass.
I’m sure your bridal party (and by bridal party, I mean your teenage children from a previous marriage) won’t appreciate this ensemble.
Machine Gun Bride
Tiara and necklace from David’s Bridal sale rack, check.
Gigantic breasts, check and check.
Brick wall at your high school, check.
AK 47 with a long-range sight, check.
Quick cigarette and then let’s do this.
Egomaniac Bride
More so than the marriage itself, this cake says commitment. Once the cake was ordered, there was no going back. See a better pair of earrings at the mall? Forget about it. Because then you won’t match your fucking cake! Clearly that’s how the bride ended up with that ridiculous side bang thing.
Perhaps this bride could have allocated funds better and instead of a creepy, anatomically correct cake that would feed 3,000 wedding guests, she could have opted for a reception hall with windows.
Let this be a lesson to all mothers—let your kid have the Barbie cake when she turns 7—if not, fast forward 20 years and this is what you get.
Desert Stetson Bride
Is it just me, or does this bitch make you want to smoke a cigarette?
She also somehow makes me want to simultaneously line-dance, rope a steer, and gallop through the desert on my trusty steed toward Kevin Costner.
Udderly Stunning
Their parents must be so proud! Amazingly enough, two separate, very well-endowed brides-to-be found this dress and thought, “that’s the one for my big day!” It’s so flattering and highlights all of my (two) best features!
Don’t kid yourselves ladies (and we use the term “ladies” very loosely). You are basically naked from the waist up. Sexy is one thing, but for boobs, there is a point of diminishing returns. Large breasts have no business in church and make a bride look fat. Anything greater than a C cup can, and should, be corrected with surgery. Also, interestingly, both brides are wearing elbow-length gloves. Apparently, covering your forearms is appropriate for this formal affair, but showing your entire stretch-mark covered udders is not. Glad they could keep the baby cow off their tit long enough to attend the wedding. (But extra points for complete nonchalance while being naked in front of your own parents!)
Pride of the In-Laws
I would ask what kind of underwear you wear with a “dress” like this, but I think it’s pretty obvious this bride doesn’t own any. And thank you for saving your 23-year-old cousin the embarrassment of having to navigate up your dress to find the garter. This is much better.
It’s probably safe to say that if your veil is longer than your actual bridal “attire” you need not wear white: you’re not fooling anyone.
We were also going to recommend a little concealer on that thigh bruise, but then it donned on us that it’s more likely a hickey, and girls like you enjoy showing those kinds of things off. And are those pigtail braids? Those will come in handy later on in the evening, particularly given the fact that this dress transitions so well from the reception to the after party.
In a previous post we also warned against carrying a single red rose, however, please disregard that instruction. In this case, so long as she isn’t carrying a sexually transmitted disease, it doesn’t really matter.
Wedding planning can be tough. But medieval-themed weddings are a completely different beast (and yes, we do mean beast). Other than the obvious people-watching opportunities that these weddings inherently provide, little good can come from a medieval-themed wedding. Therefore, lets go through a list of details associated with Renaissance nuptials and if you, as a bride, recognize any of these ideas as things that you have considered implementing in your own special day, then you can go ahead and burn your three-ring binder (if you even have one) because you won’t be needing it anymore.
The fashion: the most offensive aspect of the Renaissance wedding. I will bet the cost of a one-of-a-kind Vera Wang that if you are planning a medieval wedding that your body mass index is not under 35 or so. Am I right? Let’s just say that the maroon, empire-waist dress with long, tight sleeves and puffy shoulders is not going to make you look like Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love (think Shallow Hal….).
You can go to a Renaissance fair with your boobs hanging out and dress like a tavern wench any old time, but there is only one day in a woman’s life where she can be the beautiful, virginal center-of-attention, and on this day one must wear white. Despite the obvious counter-intuitiveness of encouraging large-breasted, medieval-type brides to don white, it is still better to keep up with this tradition than to draw attention to the fact that you’ve rented (or even worse, sewn) a costume for your own wedding. Weddings are not costume parties. I’m sure the thought behind the silly get-ups is that it will make the wedding “fun” and “whimsical,” especially since you’ve had to rely solely on your self-deprecating sense of humor and personality to get you by all these years, but trust me, your event will be memorable for all the wrong reasons.
In addition, straight men don’t wear tights, even at the request of their future wives. So if your fiancé agrees to this arrangement, you had better rethink your choice of mate or you (and your offspring) will be paying for it in ten years.
The food and drink: Think of your guests before you put giant, greasy turkey legs in front of them. No one wants to eat “family style” at a wedding, unless by “family style” you mean “a nice champagne toast followed by a perfectly cooked filet mignon and some roasted red potatoes.” Guests will have dressed up for the occasion and will not appreciate the absence of silverware. Also, as a bride-of-size (BoS), the last thing you want family and friends seeing is you gnawing on the bone of a dead animal and yelling at your new husband to find you a napkin. Remember, these moments will be photodocumented.
Also, don’t call beer “ale” and for Christ’s sake, don’t call it “meade.” It’s embarrassing. Everyone gets it. You like Renaissance fairs.
The entertainment: A lute player is not an appropriate substitute for a band or a DJ. People will not dance to a lute. Also, did court jesters really wear those ridiculous outfits, or do those costumes just fit nicely into your cartoonish/American vision of what castle life might have been like in medieval Europe? Yeah, we didn’t think so. Better do your research.
While you’re at it, maybe you’ll find some other interesting aspects of medieval life that you can incorporate into your big day that will lend your affair an air of authenticity and historical accuracy i.e.: The Black Death, women dying during childbirth, the Spanish Inquisition, burning witches at the stake, and a rigid class system that resulted in lifelong poverty and sky-rocketing mortality rates for almost the entire population. Nothing says “I do” like death and suffering 
