Posts Tagged ‘cake’
Can we all agree that after the wedding meal, we are going to serve cake? And by “cake,” I do not mean a cake stand stacked with cupcakes or motherfucking cookies. Like real, actual cake that you paid someone else to make. I love cookies as much as the next guy, but really? Cookies?
And while we’re on the topic of dessert, let’s just touch on groom’s cakes. If anything at your wedding is shaped like a fish or contains a sports logo (BECAUSE HE JUST LOOOVES THE FUCKING SOX DUDE), please navigate quickly away from this page, as this is no place for you. Groom’s cakes are an early sign that you haven’t had the upper hand in quite a while…
Kill yourself.
Fucking sweet.
This one reminds me of…..
THIS
Hey Do-it-yourselfers! We know that in this economy brides are looking for ways to save money. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your style just because you don’t have 50k+ to spend on your big day… right? Wrong. Style= ornate displays of wealth and beauty. If porta-potties don’t scream romance to you, then you might want to rethink this DIY wedding trend.
The main problem with these kinds of weddings is that brides are not being honest with themselves.
Bride #1: “We just want everyone to have a good time.”
In Other Words: We hope our guests aren’t miserable due to our complete lack of financial planning. We hope that family and friends don’t mind listening to an iPod, eating out of a trough, and staring at a centerpiece made out of sand and seashells hoping that the wind doesn’t pick up in your aunt’s recently landscaped backyard.
BWMB Advice: It is always better to be a bride who is one year older (to a point, of course. if you are nearing 35, please disregard) with a larger bank account (SAVE!!) than to have a nice quick engagement followed by a half-ass wedding. If your guests must “have a good time” despite all of your planning, instead of because of it, there is a major problem. Consider a City Hall wedding with just your parents. This will keep the shame to a minimum. P.S. This doesn’t mean have a BBQ in your backyard three months later. Receptions that do not immediately follow the nuptials insult guests who weren’t invited to the “ceremony” and merely emphasize your inability to pull off a real wedding. Your best bet is to tell people you used all the money to go on a fantastic honeymoon instead!
Bride #2: “We really wanted to be involved in every aspect of the wedding planning, which is why I’m… (doing my own flowers, designing my own dress, making my own cake, etc.).”
In Other Words: We think we could do a better job than wedding professionals with years of experience making bride’s girlhood dreams come true. My dress will be described by more diplomatic guests as “simple yet elegant” and “ethereal” but by honest or catty friends as “sack-like and shapeless,” “drab,” and “amateurish.” My cake will be made from an age-old family recipe that I had to multiply by 20, thus ruining what it originally tasted like, and embarrassing the shit out of my grandmother who told everyone beforehand it was her recipe. And my flowers will “come from my mom’s garden!”… In other words, shitty and messy with colors that don’t match anything else from the wedding.
BWMB Advice: You are not a dressmaker, a baker or a florist. Your job on the day of the wedding is to show up and try your best (I know this will be hard for you) to look like a lady. LAYDEE. This means no Birkenstocks and no baby’s breath in your French braid etc. If you can’t afford to hire vendors, then you shouldn’t be getting married.
Bride #3: “My day will be more meaningful if we actually make everything ourselves 
” In Other Words: My fiancé and I are heading for divorce before we even make it down the aisle. We (and by “we,” I mean “I”) are trying very hard to impart some kind of significance and meaning to this day. I would love to hire wedding vendors, but every time I bring it up, my boyfriend and I get into a huge fight about how much everything costs, so to appease him without canceling the wedding, I have offered to do everything myself.
BMWB Advice: Listen, we know how stressful wedding planning can be. This is the most important and memorable day of your life and we commend and understand the sacrifice that you are willing to make! You are one dedicated bride who has been dealt a cruel hand. You are willing to sacrifice the style you so desperately crave to make sure that you have ANY wedding at all! This is a tough one because it really gets to the heart of what we’re trying to do here in helping brides. It really speaks to the question, is a shitty wedding better than no wedding at all? The answer is a resounding YES.
Although it is of course not ideal, better for people to think that you are broke or tacky (or both) than for them to think you couldn’t find a man. Clearly being single is the worst case scenario, regardless of what kind of girl you are. If you’re fat and single, everyone will assume you are a pathetic virgin, and if you’re skinny and single, you’re a slut. Better to be cheap. But I digress. Go ahead with your DIY adventure, keep details simple, and make sure your arms are toned. Everyone’s going to be talking a lot of shit after the event is over… don’t let it be able your jiggle!
Wow
Nothing screams financial success more than yacht clubs and extended vacations on the Vineyard. This theme allows you to be carefree and fun without sweating your ass off in some god-awful tropical climate and awkwardly barefooting-it through 4 inches of sand in a white ball gown. This theme really just says, “hey, we know the rest of our poor-ass guests couldn’t afford to follow us to Turks & Caicos, so we’re recreating the destination wedding vision here!”
We understand the draw, we really do. Everyone loves the beach! Sand at your feet, wind in your hair… but let’s face it, you don’t really want your fiancé’s friends seeing you in a two piece, do you?
Let’s get down to the details. Every nautical- or beach-themed wedding seems to require the following: must take place near the water, must have seashells on the invitations, must incorporate the color blue, and must encrust everything edible in brown sugar that looks like sand on the beach. Two tiny Adirondack chairs atop your lattice and lighthouse encrusted cake are also essential. So the questions is: really?
Keep in mind that seashells were once the home of an animal. An animal that may or may not be dead. In fact, it may have died just so that it’s home could adorn your tabletop as a centerpiece. Flowers are always a better choice. Think hydrangea. Think irises. Not orchids. Orchids are for the tropical wedding theme, which is not the same thing.
And that’s the real trouble with this particular theme; beach-brides often try very hard to incorporate too many nautical details, which creates confusion: Is this a lighthouse theme? No, I thought it was a conch-shell wedding? Oh hold on, isn’t that a starfish over there? This lack of focus makes a bride look sloppy and disorganized. Something tells me your wedding binder looks a little something like your train of thought: a convoluted, nonlinear, effing mess. Get your act together!
Also, do not give your bridesmaids jewelry with silver starfish. I don’t care if they have them at Tiffany’s. Have you ever seen them wear anything like that before? I didn’t think so!
Bottom line: No seashells on weddings cakes, ever. Flip flops are not wedding favors. They are not “fun.” Sand dollars and starfish are dead animals that someone collected after a storm; don’t put them on the table.
Please don’t kill me ☹
Ever wonder how your fellow readers stumble upon blogs like this? Well wonder no more! Below is a list of some actual keyword searches that led you crazy motherfuckers to our awesome page. Any of these look familiar, creeps?
- midsummer night’s dream wedding theme: Bailey, my love, you’re definitely not alone…
- wedding dress big boobs: Boobs bigger than a C-cup should be reduced or married by a justice of the peace.
- cinderella cake stand: pretty sure this one won’t be a return visitor.
- wedding white stetson bride: dear reader, if you ever revisit this page, please please please submit pictures of your wedding.
- kevin costner wedding gown: thank you sweet jesus for sending this our way. Clearly looking for this:
But found this instead: our trash-heap, Stevie Nicks, “Leather and Lace” bride:
Two words. You’re welcome.
- “wedding dress” slut: not sure this reader found what he was looking for. You’d be surprised how including words like “slut,” “bride,” and “ass” in your blog posts really brings in the quality readers.
- can i ask my butch friend to be a brides: Stupid question. NO
- fat bride with gun: embarrassingly enough, we’ve got exactly what this one was after…
- pictures of christmas wedding dresses: Your wedding is going to fucking suck.
- what do pregnant women wear to renaissance wedding: jesus christ almighty.
- witch stealing kid: uhm, what? I mean, we’re pageview whores, but seriously?
- pictures of wedding gowns for fat person:
- wedding dress for fat females: as opposed to wedding dresses for underweight gay men.
- wenches and ladies naked asses photos: it’s like Ludacris always says, “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.”
- And last but most definitely not least….skin tight ass
SWF
Nothing says “soulmate” like a middle-aged bar-fly showing off her back in skin-tight, ivory pants. Hey lady, maybe you could hike those babies up a little higher? I can’t quite envision your entire naked ass.
I’m sure your bridal party (and by bridal party, I mean your teenage children from a previous marriage) won’t appreciate this ensemble.
Machine Gun Bride
Tiara and necklace from David’s Bridal sale rack, check.
Gigantic breasts, check and check.
Brick wall at your high school, check.
AK 47 with a long-range sight, check.
Quick cigarette and then let’s do this.
Egomaniac Bride
More so than the marriage itself, this cake says commitment. Once the cake was ordered, there was no going back. See a better pair of earrings at the mall? Forget about it. Because then you won’t match your fucking cake! Clearly that’s how the bride ended up with that ridiculous side bang thing.
Perhaps this bride could have allocated funds better and instead of a creepy, anatomically correct cake that would feed 3,000 wedding guests, she could have opted for a reception hall with windows.
Let this be a lesson to all mothers—let your kid have the Barbie cake when she turns 7—if not, fast forward 20 years and this is what you get.
