Posts Tagged ‘theme wedding’
Effing Terrible
Holding your wedding day on the most romantic day of the year sounds like a wonderful idea. Afterall, love is in the air, right? WRONG.
The absolute height of selfish tackiness is to get married on Valentine’s Day and then have every detail be…wait for it…lemme guess… PINK AND RED!!
Listen, we are not trying to encourage you to worry too much about the needs and feelings of your friends and family. We aren’t trying to argue that you should leave holidays alone so that people can celebrate these special occasions in their own personal ways.
However, getting married on a day that is supposed to be romantic for everyone, and not just you and your man, isn’t a good idea for a lot of reasons. 1) Pink and red look like shit together. Don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise. 2) Cupid is a fat creep with his arrow. He has absolutely no business being naked, specifically not at your wedding. 3) Everyone feels amorous and sexy on this day. Don’t let the love spread around the room and cloud everyone’s understanding about what your wedding day is about. And 4) a lot of people have “valentines.” Even middle-aged and old people have significant others and stories of good times they’ve shared on this day. Eff that! Getting married on this day will kick their selfish memories into high gear. They’ll pack the dance floor and want to feed each other cake. Is that really what you want? No, I didn’t think so.
Some Tasteful Valentine’s Wedding Cakes
I like this one because it’s so understated and elegant.
I hate you. Also, does that say “the veil”???
I love it when I think something is a stack of shiny Valentine’s presents and it turns out to be a fucking cake. That’s my favorite.
This theme let’s your guests know that you are a romantic to the core; you love the whimsical, the capricious and fanciful, you want your wedding to be an event unlike any other. Unfortunately for you, this will be an event like many others…and those events are called PROMS.
This theme announces to your family and closest friends (likely all gay co-workers and members of your theatre group), that you have never read Shakespeare (Cliff Notes do not count): 1) because you don’t have the intelligence level to process all the characters, and 2) because you were too busy dreaming up lame-ass wedding ideas since you were 10. The MND (Midsummer Night’s Dream) theme also lets those newly gained friends of yours (your husband’s friends wives and girlfriends) in on your past; you were obviously at one point tipping the scales; faeries are tiny, sexy waifs with wings, and only the formerly fat attach themselves to such unattainable and cartoonish visions of femininity.
We can just see your theme unfolding… enchanted forest, moonlight, fairy dust. Wake up! Do not create an environment in which your bridesmaids or slutty distant cousins will be making any progress towards finding love. This is your day GODDAMNIT!
Also, how confident are you? Are you sure you want scantily clad, hired actors roaming about your reception dressed in nothing more than tights and wings, all powdered up and shimmering? Hiring the right accessories can add flair and excitement, while simultaneously crowding the room to give the appearance of a larger guest list and unlimited funds. But did you stop to think that these “accessories” will be better looking than you? They’ll obviously be in better shape; you’ve had your fat ass plastered to the internet looking up themed weddings for the past 6 months rather than hitting the gym where you should have been.
Oh and p.s. that Tinkerbell decal on your fucking Jetta is lame.
